Jesus is Crowned with Thorns
Fruit of the Mystery: Moral Courage
“Let it be done”
by Theresa Louise Thomas
A few short months ago, I was in the middle of a month’s worth of fertility testing. Running back and forth from hospitals and doctors’ offices. Counting days and meticulously tracking my cycle. Blood test after blood test, ultrasound after ultrasound. Trying to figure out what was wrong with me.
We got a call that Mari’s (my second baby I had now lost in utero that year) head stone was placed and we could come look at it. I drove over to the cemetery that day right after my blood test. It was raining, freezing cold, windy, and gray. I got out of my car and just stood there, numb. Collectively that year I had been pregnant for nearly six months, but now I stood here with a flat stomach and empty arms, staring at my children’s names on kitty corner tombstones.
I didn’t want to be visiting my kids in a cemetery, I wanted them in my car, in a car seat and to be coming home with me. Why did God take them from me?! I stood in the freezing soaking rain sobbing and kept saying, “guys you gotta help me, I can’t do this alone….please….” In a weird way I knew my children heard me and they would plead to God with me. I looked around to make sure no one had seen my outburst and was calling the insane asylum on me, then I drove out of the cemetery with my streaky face.
About a month later, we finally got all of the results back from my testing. I had MTFHR coupled with PAI 4G/4G and low progesterone. Fran (my first baby I miscarried) and Mari most likely weren’t able to survive because of a uteroplacental micro thromboses. (And somehow this genetic disorder, which I unknowingly have had my whole life, didn’t affect my pregnancy with my first son at all).
Due to this condition, in all future pregnancies, I would now need a plethora of daily supplements, daily blood thinner shots, progesterone injections, and extra ultrasounds to check on the baby, umbilical cord, and placenta growth, as well as checking for any signs of blood clots. All of which would be on top of my usual months of all day sickness. All of these medications and procedures together would give me the best chance of carrying a baby to term. It sounded like a lot. It was a lot. But this bible verse came to mind:
“But you, take courage! Do not let your hands be weak, for your work shall be rewarded.” ~ 2 Chronicles 15:7
To both children we lost in utero, Fran and Mari, we gave a special middle name: “Fiat”. “Fiat” in Latin Means “Let it be done” and it is part of Mary’s response to the angel Gabriel when he appeared to her and asked if she would be willing to be the mother of Jesus. “Fiat mihi secundum verbum tuum” – Let it be done to me according to your word. My husband and I knew that even though subsequent pregnancies would be difficult, we were both ready to say “yes” again and that if God willed it, it would happen.
Later that month, we found out that God had blessed us with another little one. The nurses taught my husband how to administer all my medications and supplementation and he graciously once again started picking up my slack when I would feel unwell and allow me to rest. On days that I had my full dose of progesterone and blood thinners we would say almost an entire rosary beginning to end during the time of uncomfortable injections. I clutched my rosary and tried not to move while the needles were in me, and I hope to one day give that rosary to the baby I have been praying for.
Today is sunny, warm, and bittersweet. I have a healthy baby growing and thriving inside my womb again. Never would I have thought a doctor telling me I have a genetic clotting disorder would bring me peace or that a picture of my four kids together would only happen at a cemetery. But I’m thankful for everyday with this babe and know God’s will is far better than mine.
Through losing Fran and Mari I have been connected and made friendships with so many women who have had similar fertility and miscarriage stories. I have been able to support them, make meals, send gifts, pray for them, and ask all of our Little Saints to intercede for us. And after a lifetime of clinging and grasping at my wants, I’ve finally surrendered to the story God is writing for me and our family and knowing that even in the waiting, He has a perfect plan and something is happening.
St. Francis Fiat
St. Marion Fiat
Pray for us.
About Theresa: Theresa lives in rural Indiana, she is a wife to her husband Nick, and a mother to Her two son’s Kadian and Paxton, and their two Saints in Heaven, Fran and Mari: She and her husband have a strong devotion to the Holy Family. She loves all things Laura Ingalls and is passionate about homemaking and living out the vocation of Wife and Mother. You will most often find her chasing her toddler and chickens around her yard with an ice coffee in hand, tending to her garden, picking wildflowers, or praying her daily rosary while washing dishes, folding laundry, or making dinner.
For more from Theresa follow her on Instagram @holyfamilyhomestead